Politics

Republican Presidential Candidates Bow to Religious Right in Iowa

| by Jerome McCollom

Well, it's that time again. It's less than two years before the presidential election and the far right in Iowa (since it is the first primary) is looking at the would be Republican candidates, as if they were beauty contestants.

Rick Santorum, ex-U.S. Senator, has the Santorum problem. I have certain standards in this column so you have to link to that, if you don't know what that is. Mike Huckabee is eager to make the American Constitution closer to the 10 Commandments. Always a popular thing among the religious right in Iowa.

Herman Cain is eager to tell people who he is, because nobody really knows. Charles Roemer is also eager to tell everyone who he is. O.K., I knew who Herman Cain was, but even I didn't know who was this guy Roemer was, and I follow politics pretty well. He was an ex-governor of Louisiana. Louisiana of course, competes with Illinois as the most corrupt state in the nation.

Former U.N. Ambassador, and owner of a proud ultra-Tom Selleck mustache, John Bolton is in Iowa. He is O.K. with same-sex marriage. He is also trying to get the vote of Republican primary voters in Iowa. Can we cross his name off as a possible nominee already? James DeMint is there, another theocrat. Couple of other names.

Let's get to Newt Gingrich. Newt is a stronger supporter of marriage. He holds it such a sacred institution, he is on his third one. He is against the threat of same-sex marriage. See, having three marriages has convinced him that if gays and lesbians can enter into a marriage with the person they want to marry, he might be on his fifth marriage instead.

He told his first wife he was going to divorce her when she was in the hospital bed undergoing cancer treatments. This is a man who lectured us on the affair of Bill Clinton. Hmmm, I never remember Bill Clinton doing that to Hillary.

One of the speakers at this event condemned "weird and kinky lifestyles." I thought, was he referring to the sex scandal of Republican U.S. Senator John Ensign? Or the sex scandal of former Republican U.S. senator Larry "I have a wide stance" Craig?

Or former Republican Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, who told his wife he was hiking, when actually he was romancing a South American mistress. No, the speaker probably meant gays who obviously have much less exciting and interesting sex lives than Republican politicians.