Sports

Off the Record's 2010 NFL Mock Draft

| by Off The Record

Here at OTR, we take a deeper look into the world of sports. As such, you can be sure that our 2010 NFL mock draft isn’t just a mock draft, but a sure thing of what is to come in late April. We have yet to miss a pick and you can be absolutely certain that what you are reading here is safe to bet your house on.

So here we go, Micah, Perry and JA release their 2010 NFL mock draft:

 1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB , Oklahoma.  Most scouts agree that Bradford has the eyesight of a young Jeff Hostetler, and this will help him dramatically at the next level. Look for veteran QB A.J. Feeley to teach him how to play NFL quarterback through a string of unusual acts that don’t make sense to Bradford at the time, but will be very useful when the time comes. These acts include, but aren’t limited to: polishing A.J.’s shoes with mayonnaise, turning the locker room showers on and off repeatedly, lifting an entire row of folding stadium seats up and down, trying to put a collar on a wet, overly energetic Labrador, and fishing for snapper turtles with Vaseline-covered hands. It will all make sense in due time, Sam. In due time.

2. Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska.   Suh can eat 37 baloney sandwiches in a single sitting after playing a game of catch with friends.  What are they using to play catch with?  You guessed it, those same baloney sandwiches.  This impresses the Lions as they dream of how this could translate to an NFL football field.

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3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee. Berry’s lateral movement and knack for attacking the ball combine with his sincerity, succinctness and promptness to form a safety that you just don’t see in today’s NFL. Berry will hit you in the backfield and then be on time for dinner.

4. Washington Redskins: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame. Perry sees a guy who can perform like a retired Jim Plunkett.  Micah sees a middle-aged Earl Morrall with the hands of a teenage Paul Warfield. Jason sees the feet and coordination of a mid- to late-career Neil Lomax. These are names that can’t be ignored. 

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma St.  Every year we get that one offensive lineman who is compared to former Philadelphia Eagle Joe Panos.  This year we don’t have to go any farther than pick five.  Russell Okung is not only said to have the same hip-motion technique as Panos, but his legs remind everyone of a left-handed Dave Dalby with more upside.

6. Seattle Seahawks: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland. Campbell has the feet of a young John Hannah and the hands of a tiger cub. Head coach Pete Carroll likes Campbell enough that he may convert him to tight end. This will put John Carlson on the hot seat, especially if he gets into a public pissing contest with Carroll and ends up getting suspended for a game due to conduct detrimental to the team. Monitor this situation very closely.

7. Cleveland Browns: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma. This is great value. How excited will Eric Mangini be when we tell him that McCoy will slide down to him at #7? Who wants to break the news? McCoy has two things that OTR likes: A high motor and an affinity for romantic comedy movies. It’s a deadly combination and you can only imagine how that might translate to playing football. McCoy once bench pressed six midgets at once on a dare. His immense strength and refusal to back down from a dare earned him the nickname “The Dare.”

8. Buffalo Bills (from Oakland Raiders): Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers. The Bills trade up with the Raiders here to get to the #8 slot. The Raiders don’t get a single thing in return, they just wanted to slide down to #9 because they felt they could get their guy there. So the Bills move up for free and get the offensive tackle they’ve been missing since they moved Jason Peters and found out that Langston Walker stinks.

9. Oakland Raiders: Trindon Holliday, WR, LSU. The Raiders trade down and still get their man! The Raiders love speed, but they’ve learned that taking burners too high can result in an overpaid burner. Holliday is 5′5″ tall and ran a 4.21 40-yard dash. He’s a speedster and we know that Oakland loves speed. Holliday isn’t projected by most draftniks to go until the 7th round or so. But Al Davis knows speed when he sees it and he pounces on it here at #9. Davis just wasn’t willing to pay Holliday #8 money. However, he is comfortable with what he’ll owe in bonus money all the way down here at #9.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida.  The Jacksonville front office was hoping to draft 76,867 fans with this pick to fill the stadium, but how can they pass up Jason Pierre-Paul?  They just can’t and they won’t.  On Jacksonville’s draft board they have Pierre-Paul and then 76,867 possible fans.  What’s rule number one in the war room?  Follow your draft board.

11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago in Jay Cutler trade): Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma St. Many would think that this would indicate that WR Brandon Marshall is definitely leaving town because of this selection. We think just the opposite. We think that Marshall is certain to stay put and it would be lopsided for an offense to have one knucklehead WR on one side, but not the other. Bryant pairs up with Marshall to give the team a nasty starting pair of WR’s that don’t show up on time and when they do, they cause problems. Two negatives make a positive here in Denver.

12. Miami Dolphins: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama.  You can’t talk about a Miami Dolphins draft pick without mentioning Bill Parcells.  With that said, there hasn’t been an inside linebacker this good since the 1994 version of Terry Wooden.  Ironically, Wooden is now a scout for the New Orleans Saints, a team Mike Ditka used to coach for.  But get this,  Parcells once coached against Ditka and now he’s drafting a player who reminds everyone of Terry Wooden.  You connect all those dots and you have Rolando McClain playing linebacker for the Miami Dolphins.  Books aren’t written about this kind of stuff, novels are.

13. San Francisco 49ers: C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson. We don’t like this pick, even though we are 100% certain (just like we are with all of our other picks) that the Niners will grab Spiller. Alex Smith needs to have the offense dumbed down at this point, and we think more running backs will only add to his confusion.

14. Seattle Seahawks: Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa. The Seahawks still aren’t sold on their first pick Bruce Campbell. It’s only been an hour and a half since they took him #6-overall, but they already aren’t happy with his performance in the workout drills thus far. Maybe it’s the Tommy Hilfiger suit he is wearing or the fact his family can’t stop hugging him, but there seems to be a lack of lateral movement.  Because of this, look for the Seahawks to hedge their bet and grab Bulaga as a safety net.

15. New York Giants: Joe Haden, CB, Florida.  We say Joe Haden, but we think Craig Newsome.  All the signs are there…quick feet, soft hands, thin waist…so why not?  Haden should get plenty of interceptions thrown his way early during Giants training camp with Eli Manning on the other side of the ball.  The preparation will be priceless for when he plays against the Philadelphia Eagles and Kevin Kolb is throwing those same exact interceptions.

16. Tennessee Titans: Everson Griffen, DE, USC.  His whole childhood, Everson Griffin was being compared to former Pro Bowler Everson Walls.  Nobody knows why to this day. Griffin has a very high motor until he runs out of gas.

17. San Francisco 49ers: Earl Thomas, S, Texas.  You want some stats?  149 tackles and 10 interceptions in 27 games for Texas.  Those numbers will finally get Thomas a huge pay day after only getting the college minimum ($100,000 per year and a Range Rover).  Thomas is a big hitter.  He’s known to clear at least four feet of bong smoke.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Defense attorney Johnnie Cochran. The Steelers need a lot of help on defense and it seems like their biggest need in that area is a defense attorney. The Steelers draft one hell of a lawyer at the #18 slot and get immediate help for QB Ben Roethlisberger and WR Santonio Holmes. Cochran will also help in those cold Pittsburgh winter months when the games are won on the ground and Jeff Reed gets arrested at a convenience store without his shirt.

19. Atlanta Falcons: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech. There are two things that owner Arthur Blank loves, 1. Speed off the edges and 2. Card tricks. Morgan can do both. His slight of hand is surpassed only by his filthy swim move. Think of a young Greg Ellis, but only younger.

20. Houston Texans: Mike Iupati, G, Idaho. When Iupati was a young high schooler in Southern California, he always dreamed of playing for the local Houston Texans. Now, his dream has come true.

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee.  Dan Williams is 327 pounds of pure weight and 6-2 of unmeasurable height.  That, added to the body of a diabetic grizzly bear and the quickness of an epileptic mongoose gives the Cincinnati Bengals an absolute steal at number 21.

22. New England Patriots: Sergio Kindle, DE/OLB, Texas. The Patriots desperately need a pass rush and Kindle tells them that he knows where he can find one. He has valuable information that the Patriots need so they eagerly grab him at #22.

23. Green Bay Packers: Trent Williams, OT Oklahoma.  Trent Williams has the smile of a young Michael Strahan.  He also has the smile of a retired Michael Strahan, because Strahan never got braces.  We also know that Williams could have blocked Strahan, he’s that good.  He’s the exact same player as Jon Runyan, but different in many ways.

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma. The Eagles desperately need help on defense, so they select a tight end with their first pick. Not only will the Eagles consider playing him at safety or possibly OLB, but he’s coming off of a serious injury and the Eagles front office just loves that stuff. Some say that good ol’ fashioned criminal activity will move you up the Bengals draft board, well a nice, backwoods-style shredded knee will help you move up the Eagles’.

25. Baltimore Ravens: Arrelious Benn, WR, Illinois. We talked to Torii Hunter from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and he said that he likes Benn a lot. Like, a lot. He said that Benn reminds him of a black version of Pierre Garcon. That’s a comparison we can all live with.

26. Arizona Cardinals: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida. The Cardinals are planning on doing something a little different this year. By drafting Tebow, they will have three NFL quality QB’s (Tebow, Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson). So instead of having a training camp competition, they are going to go with a three-man rotation. Leinart will most likely start opening day and then get the call again in Week 4. Quarterbacks and centers will report two weeks early for training camp.

27. Dallas Cowboys: Jordan Shipley, WR, Texas. Shipley is like a white version of Wes Welker and everyone wants a Wes Welker on their team.

28. San Diego Chargers: Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno St.  We can’t say enough about Matthews…

29. New York Jets: Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame. He’ll be a total bust, but the Jets will still take him knowing full well that he will never amount to anything at the NFL level. Sometimes you have to fool the other teams and bluff.

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30. Minnesota Vikings: Jared Odrick, DT, Penn St. Pat Williams isn’t getting any younger and Brad Childress likes the idea of a locker room battle between Odrick and Ray Edwards for the #91 jersey number. It’s this kind of training camp battle that translates to results on the football field.

31. Indianapolis Colts: Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan. Many think that the Colts need to draft another WR in the first round. But remember, they already have Reggie Wayne and he’s a black version of Marvin Harrison. So they are set there. The Colts like the idea of taking a natural OLB in the 3-4 and cramming him into a spot on their 4-3 defense.  And then when he’s washed up with shredded knees, they’ll ship him off to Philadelphia to play safety.

32. New Orleans Saints: Taylor Mays, S, USC.  New Orleans Saints scout Terry Wooden only sees production when he watches tapes of Taylor Mays.  Wooden prefers to watch his football film in black and white, and it’s known that he was most impressed with Mays’ interception off of Vic Wertz in the 1954 World Series.  Wooden is confused these days, but the Saints don’t need him to tell them that Taylor Mays is a steal at number 32