Although there seems to finally be some progress being made with talks between the NFL and NFLPA, I’m still in need of some NFL therapy.
My anger has built to a level where I have to vent. I write a weekly segment during the NFL regular season called NFL Rage. In this segment, my credo is that I vent for not only myself but for like minded die hard NFL fans that are fed up with the BS that went on during the previous week and the previous week’s games. I feel that we all need a little therapy right now, so pardon me while I vent a bit.
While talks are supposedly heating up, there still are locks on the doors at 32 NFL stadiums. Without free agency or trades to talk about, my mind had nothing else to do but wander back to the NFL’s latest rule changes. I realize concussions are a serious issue and that they needed to be dealt with, but at what cost.
At first, I was upset with the NFL’s rules protecting defenseless receivers, kickoff changes, and hits in general, but now I’m on board. No, seriously! To prove it, I’m going to outline some amendments that the NFL needs to make immediately, to further protect the players. I believe this is the safest way to protect our gladiators, and it won’t take away any more from the game than what the NFL has already put into place.
Permission Slip Tackle
Rule 12 Section 2 Article 8 (L) - If a player is running at such a speed that he may hit an opposing player with immense force, said player must excuse himself from the field of play and run to the opposing players parental guardians and have them sign off on a permission slip, allowing for a brutal hit. If a guardian isn’t present at the time of said play, the player can ask the closest beer vendor in the North end zone to sign off, but only and if he has a power of attorney form present. Nacho vendors shall be allowed as substitution in San Diego and Jacksonville if the games aren’t blacked out.
Three Mississippi Blind Side Tackle
Rule 12 Section 2 Article 8 (M) - A player who is attacking an opponent at an angle which is unfair (blindside), must stop his momentum and tap the player with the ball. He then must ask the ball carrier to turn and face him so the hit won’t be considered blindsided. After the ball carrier has turned and faced his defensive opponent, the defensive player must count out loud to 3 Mississippi before he is allowed to further pursue the ball carrier. If the player doesn’t say Mississippi loud enough or goes to fast, Timmy will tattle on him and there will be a 10 yard penalty.
As you may have noticed, there will be a Timmy added on the field for each game. Timmy is the neighborhood tattle tale. He may or may not be named Timmy, alternative names may be considered. The choice of name shall provided by the home team Capitan at the coin flip. Also, there will be another coin flip added to decide which team gets extra tampons and which gets loofahs for after the game showering.
Open Field Tackling: Outlawed
Rule 12 Section 2 Article 8 (N) – There has been an extraordinary amount of injuries occurring on open field tackles. For this matter we have to completely disallow any form of tackling. But to keep the game exciting and fun for the fans, we will replace open field tackling with Laser Tag guns and vests. When a ball carrier gets out into the open field, he must simultaneously rip open his nipple guards (a la Janet Jackson) which in return will display his Laser Tag Targets with team logo. Exciting! The defensive players can then pull out their Laser Gun, but must not remove the gun before said ball carrier is in the open field. Any delay in nipple guard removal or early trigger fingers, will result in a stern talking to.
Kickoff / Punt Return 5 Yard Halo Rule
Rule 12 Section 2 Article 8 (O) - Due to the high number and severity of injuries on returns, we have decided to implement a 5 yard Halo rule. The returner and all those in pursuit may run full speed until they are within a 5-yard circumference of one another. Once the circumference is reached, all parties must stop running and begin walking briskly (better known as speed walking.) Power walking will also be an accepted form of pursuing the ball carrier in this window. This shouldn’t be hard to adjust to, as we know most NFL players love playing the Madden video games and they can like this to using up all of the turbo to soon (which I always do before I even reach the 20-yard line.)
Rule 12 Section 2 Article 8 (P) - Statistics have shown that many injuries to fantasy players players happen in the last two minute of games. We believe that this is due to the no holds bar, caviler attitude that NFL players show when trying to win a game at all cost. We look down at this type of behavior and believe the ultimate goal is safety and not good football or actually doing what it takes to win the game. Because of the behavior of these hooligans franchise players, we have enabled more safety precautions. Every player on offense and defense will be partnered up with a teammate, except one. It basically will be players lined up in a three legged type of formation except for the quarterback and middle linebacker. These two players will be in sacks and will have to hop around. We find this as the safest way of running the two minute drill.
That about does it for the Amendments I have for the rule changes. I believe that if we get these rules implemented as soon as possible, the game will be much safer and the integrity will be firmly intact. After all, who doesn’t like laser tag?
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