When I have written love/sex stories for momlogic in the past, I have always been struck by how many of our commenters had lost their sexual desire. They're too tired and stressed out by the kids and the housework to even want to HAVE sex, much less enjoy it.
Here is a sampling of the comments our readers have shared over the years:
Jessica: At the end of the day -- after stress from 3 kids whining and complaining, my mother feeding me horror stories from the newscast of the day, looking at the bills I struggle to pay, and finding time for housework -- I'm so tired all the damn time. If we do have sex, we have to hurry before one of the kids wakes up for a feeding or one has a nightmare. It's quite ridiculous.
Stephanie: I am in a sexless relationship and I am a 37-year-old woman with 5 kids. My oldest child is a freshman in college and my youngest is 2 years old. My husband is very disappointed because we used to have sex all the time. I am worried that my husband will step out of the marriage, but I just don't have the desire of wanting sex.
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Lynn: After carrying a baby for 10 months, and hours of labor, and then he complains about no sex? I say: Change some diapers, take out the trash and then rub my back and maybe we can talk about sex!
MHurst826: My husband and I had a micro preemie, and our lives changed forever... She is home now, but preemies are extremely demanding between the extra meds, machines and constant germ-banishing, I simply don't have the energy for sex.
Anonymous: OK, give me a personal chef, personal trainer, personal assistant, housekeeper, and a couple of nannies and I'll make some time to think about sex.
Phmommyof2: Sex.... What's that??? I have two kids, a job, a house, and what is left of my social life. It doesn't leave much for passion.
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Sherrie: Maybe the husbands can get off their butts and help around the house and with the kids and maybe we would be less angry with them and actually want to have sex with them. See, they only work 9 to 5 ... moms never stop working. Sex in the kitchen or in the laundry room, right? Not! The only thing on my mind in those rooms are doing dishes and doing laundry or are the kids going to wake up and ask for a drink or for me to wipe their butt.
Tiredmomof4: I agree that hubbies really need to do more domestic chores to get us between the sheets. Why is it that if we are too tired to have a sex life, we are the ones who have to "fix" it? If I had more time to primp, and if hubby spent more time on revving my sex drive, I'd jump in the sack every night raring to go. I'd love to have someone cook, clean, grocery shop, and tend to kids all day for me, then bring me a glass of wine after work. My sex drive would be through the roof. The real issue is being side-stepped most of the time, since it deals with inadequacies in how men treat their wives. Maybe things will change of more of use talk about how we need to be treated better. We can only hope.
Sarah: My husband and I used to have sex 2 or 3 times a day when we were dating ... now we're lucky if it's 2 or 3 times a month. It's not that I wouldn't love to have my old sex drive, it's just not there anymore. I know some of it is weight gain after the kids, and he's tired from work, but it takes a lot of effort to even get in the mood anymore.
Shannon: With all that needs to be done to maintain a house, work full-time, laundry, food shopping, errands and continuing on towards a graduate degree, there is NO time nor desire for sex -- personally, from a female point of view, it is over-rated!
I'm a mom of two, so I totally get it -- but it still bummed me out that so many women had lost their desire. This inspired our new weekly column: Hate Sex Less!
I'm not saying ALL moms hate sex, mind you -- but this column is for those of you who aren't as into a night of lovemaking as you used to be. Maybe you lost your desire after childbirth ... or are just too exhausted to muster up the energy anymore. This column will give you short, quick tips on hating sex less.
This week's guest expert, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner, of "Today" show fame, is the author of six sex books, including his latest "Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again."
Here are Dr. Kerner's top three ways for moms to HATE SEX LESS:
1.) Try it, you'll like it! "Sometimes you have to just put your mind and body through the motions," Dr. Kerner says. "When someone says they're too tired for sex, or they're too busy, it usually just means that they're not putting in the effort to stimulate desire. But sex actually isn't tiring, it's rejuvenating. Many women 'want to want' sex ... they just don't. Same is often true of guys. Sex begets sex, and ruts beget ruts. It's like going to the gym. When you stop doing it, your natural testosterone levels lower and you just get used to not doing it. So try it, you'll like it."
2.) Bring your sexy back. "Figure out what you need to do to feel sexy: a day away from the kids, some new clothes, a good workout," Dr. Kerner advises. "Sexual desire is directly related to self-esteem, and when you're peed-on, pooped-on, puked-on and haven't showered in two days, it's hard to feel sexy. So take some action on behalf the woman inside the mom."
3.) Tell your husband to engage in some chore-play instead of the usual foreplay. "Studies show that parts of the female brain associated with stress and anxiety need to deactivate in order for a woman to enjoy sex," Dr. Kerner says. "And what's more anxiety-producing than a hamper full of laundry and a sink full of dishes? Instead of copping a feel, encourage your husband to grab the dish-rag."
Tune in next Wednesday for our second installment of Hate Sex Less.
Now it's YOUR turn: How do you hate sex less?