MEGYN KELLY: This just in to the Faux News Room, shocking details of a human male in New Jersey being aroused by sexy talk and photos. Let's go to Bill Hummer for details. Bill?
HUMMER: Thank you Megyn. We've just received exclusive word here at Faux News that ANOTHER human male has been aroused by looking at photos of naked women and by having sexually-oriented conversations with them.
KELLY: Didn't this guy learn his lesson from Anthony Weiner?
HUMMER: Apparently not, Megyn. In fact, according to the man's wife, she was wondering what was taking him so long in the bathroom so she opened the door and saw him, and I quote, "pleasuring himself" to the images in Hustler Magazine.
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KELLY: Hustler? I've never heard of that one. Is it a clothing catalog of some sort.
HUMMER: Shockingly, no, Megyn. It is a magazine filled with images of women, many of whom are wearing no clothing whatsoever and displaying their genitalia in a shockingly provocative fashion.
KELLY: And when you say "pleasuring himself," Bill, what exactly are you talking about?
HUMMER: Well, Megyn, one hesitates to say this out loud, but apparently, according to this man's wife, he was using one hand to hold the magazine and the other to manually arouse his own genitalia.
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KELLY: Sweet Bleeding Jesus! I think I'm going to be sick.
HUMMER: It's not an easy story to hear or to tell, Megyn.
KELLY: Do you have a NAME for this pervert?
HUMMER: Yes, Megyn. His name is Elmer McDiddle. Turns out he's a teller at the Jerseyville Savings and Loan.
KELLY: All right, Bill, we'll let you go to dig out more of the sordid, sickening details. Now we join Shepherd Smith at the offices of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan.
SMITH: Thank you Megyn. I'm standing here with Paul O'Prudence, President of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan. Sir, you heard the report from the McDiddle house of perversion. Will you ask this man for his resignation.
O'PRUDENCE: I should say not. I am firing him as of this moment. Who wants to do business with a man who (gulp!) TOUCHES himself... (gasp!) DOWN THERE!!!
SMITH: An understandable reaction.
O'PRUDENCE: Would YOU want to touch MONEY that he touched with his HAND? I mean (gag...)
SMITH: The disgust of a nation is with you, sir. Back to you, Megyn.
KELLY: Thanks, Shep. We've just seen the first results of our Faux News Poll asking the question "What should be done with criminals who touch themselves in provacative locations." Turns out most folks didn't understand the question, so we're going to reword it to, "How Many Years in Jail Should A Man Who Touches His Own Genitalia Get?" Now we join Greta Van Sustern, or is it Sustren? I can never remember. She is with the mayor of Jerseyville.
GRETA: Thank you, Megyn. I'm thanding here with Herbert McPureheart, Mayor of thith thmall New Jersy town. Mither Mayor, will you be evicting thith horrible fiend from your town.
McPURE: Assuredly, Greta. As soon as we can round up the requisite amount of tar, feathers and a good, strong rail.
GRETA: What are your firth thoughtth about a human male touching hith own genitalia while looking at pickthureth of naked women?
McPURE: Have we learned NOTHING from the Anthony Weiner debacle? Touching yourself (gulp) down there (gasp) is a sin of the most disgusting nature. I've never done it, neither has any other decent human male I'm aware of.
GRETA: I thould thertainly hope not. Back to you, Megyn.
KELLY: This just in to the Faux Newsroom. The McDiddle House of Self Abuse has been set afire by outraged neighbors. The toucher of his own genitalia having been dragged from the house and shot to death in his own front yard. So horrible the crime, so swift and just the punishment. Let's check that Faux News Poll again and see that 98 percent of Faux viewers feel that Jail is too GOOD for a lewd and disgusting pervert like McDiddle and his house should be set afire and he should be shot in front of his burning house. His wife should be shunned and branded with a letter A on her forehead. I'm joined now by Faux News Analyst Sarah Palin. Sarah, your take on this disgusting, inhuman act of self-degradation?
PALIN: Well, Megyn, you can betcha that if I ever caught one of MY sons, Tripp or Stick or Melon or Fence touching himself like that we'd whup a little of the old Alaska Sharia Law on him cuz like it says in the Bible, if thy right hand offends me, I shall cut it off and cast it into the flames because it's better that your whole body be burned that lest you self-defile it in such a dirty, dirty way. And don't you know that none of my boys, God love 'em, has ever shown even the SLIGHTEST interest in women? I couldn't be more proud of them as they march off to bed at night with their body builder magazines and bottles of lotion which I assume they're using to give each other rubdowns after working out to get the kinds of muscles those muscle guys in those muscle magazines there have because that's the sort of thing the ladies like.
KELLY: Thank you, Sarah. For those of you just joining us, a New Jersey man has been drawn and quartered in front of his own home, which still burns after he was found by his wife touching himself (gasp) DOWN THERE (gulp) in a sexually aroused fashion after looking at images of naked women in a magazine. More on this disgusting, dehumanizing story when it comes in. Now, here's Bill O'Reilly to talk about his own brush with sex stuff. Bill?