Have you ever wanted someone in your life to be extraordinary and after two attempts at a relationship you realize that they/ it are just ordinary? I have had just such a relationship and tonight I realized as we went out that we didn't have enough to hold us together anymore. I knew that years ago after a terrible breakup and a 4 year break that the book should be shut but something in my heart said it would be different this time. Bubble in here wishful thinking. I tried for the last 1 1/2 years to make my wishes come true but as the time went by I was more and more disappointed. But I am no quitter so I plodded along not telling my truths and now tonight pulled the plug. I realized when I didn't see him for a week or two and didn't miss him something was going on inside of me. My life is filled with joy on all levels and his has really very little, in fact almost none. He talks about finding joy but some people are powerless to do the work to find it. I am a doer and I tried with all my heart to give him joy and sometimes I was successful but most of the time he was mired in his own sadness. He has a job but not at the level he was before the downturn, he has a grown daughter who was raised be her Mom and only got to know him when she was 7-he is trying to find ways to reconnect and some days are better than others but a lot of work is needed. He has a son who lives with him half the time or more ( a teenager ) who sometimes I feel he thinks of as a burden. I know he loves his son and is a good dad but he struggles so much internally that he misses a lot of the joy his son does bring to the room. I feel sad to be around him more lately than ever before.
Our talks used to be dynamic and loving and now are more distancing and difficult. We usually end up feeling wanting and don't know how to solve it. He was never going to be a life partner, he reminded me, and I always had a part of me that knew that but believed extraordinary was right around the corner. It never even showed up on the block or the neighborhood or anywhere close to around the corner.
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I have loved this man for over 10 years even when we didn't talk. He still was present in my mind. The first breakup was so awful and disrespectful there should have been no second chances but a chance meeting 4 years later proved there was still love to explore. We made compromises, we made promises, but never ever real plans for a future. I thought at that the time that was what I wanted and convinced myself that maybe having some of him was better than none of him. But when one puts out 100% and gets back nothing close to 100% the mind starts to develop new arteries and veins to find pathways that still can forge new avenues and hope for new routes. We have reached the end of those roads. Both not ready but both knowing it is the right thing to do. I want this person to know that in a way I will always love him and still have his back. Maybe by seeing his back walk away from me I can find new routes within myself to find other avenues to look for the extraordinary. Because in the end I am worth extraordinary, not all the time, but enough to know it is possible and to see it and have it coming down the street...