Rolling Stones Refused to Play Olympics Closing Ceremony

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According to a man who writes for The Telegraph, The Rolling Stones never even considered performing at the closing bash, even though they were asked (presumably with the suggestion of Kitty Brucknell as guest vocalist on 19th Nervous Breakdown).

Ronnie Wood told the reporter: "It was never going to happen. Believe me, it was never even on the cards."

The Libertines also turned down the offer (that explains the Kaiser Chiefs then: "Oh just get one of the other bands from the NME to do it. They're all the same..."), with Carl Barat writing on that Twitter: "Libertines got asked, couldn't do it."

Pete would've failed the drug test anyway.

So who else must they have got an out-of-office reply from?

David Bowie apparently said no to singing Heroes, although we hear they drafted in his band to play Fashion for that inexplicable bit where Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell walked about in frocks.

Kate Bush said no, but let them have a new remix instead - which was nice of her. But ffs woman, it's been 33 years since you last toured. Get out of the house for a bit!

And the Sex Pistols stuck two fingers up at the man also responsible for the Concert for Diana atrocity, and told him to bloomin' well sod right off.

But who else said no? And who should they have asked? Maybe everyone who isn't too weird is rubbish. Maybe that was the problem.

We reckon they asked Adele. But a) she never plays big public events because she suffers from stage fright, and b) she has a small child's skull pressing against her cervix.

Robert Plant probably said no, when the rest of Led Zeppelin said yes.

Amy Winehouse stupidly died a year before she could've been the best thing in it.

And Susan Boyle couldn't be trusted not to pull her pants down.

Let's face it, Britain is very good at sport but not actually as good at pop music as we like to think