Parody: Why Tom Cruise Should Marry My Sister

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Tom Cruise has had two months now to digest his divorce from Katie Holmes. Normally he has more time to review contractual documents and assign Scientology staff members to various point positions weeks before announcements are made. But this one happened when he was overseas and the subsequent settlement had to be handled swiftly as his church and reputation were on the line. So I am assuming he’s now ready for round 4 on the marital wagon since there are pictures of him in New York City this week looking trim and pulled.

So before Tom starts his latest round of girlfriend/potential robot wife interviews I’d like to suggest a candidate.
Dear Church of Scientology,

It has come to my attention that you are busy looking through headshots and combing old copies of the Xenu Prayer logs to find the next Mrs. Cruise. But before you start making arrangements for an open casting call for “Tom Cruise’s Unnamed Project X” I would like to suggest an excellent candidate: my sister Megan.

Listen, you guys have had enough of a headache. I get it, the last thing you need is an outsider. You don’t think someone outside the “biz” would understand Mr. Cruise’s needs. That perhaps someone who doesn’t share the belief that a galactic overlord froze thetan souls on the planet Teegeeack millions of years ago would understand the services Mr. Cruise needs. But she might come around. I mean, for years she believed one day she’d marry Kirk Cameron.

You want her to keep his secrets? Just give her a credit card. An unlimited spending spree at Neiman Marcus would work. Separate living quarters requested? No problem, just make sure it has a view and a butler. She would be fine.

Tom obviously needs someone who will revolve their world around him. So if this means flying to the Eiffel Tower, yachting with friends in the Caribbean, and ice climbing in Iceland she will do it. It beats sitting in the carpool lane.

She is over 30 and already has kids. So there would not be any lingering questions about paternity. She’s already sailed that ship.

She would not be offended if Tom offered to pay for her to get her teeth filed or her hair straightened. She’ll probably ask if he can throw in some laser treatments for good measure.

You won’t have any problems with her in-laws. Our dad barely knows us. So he won’t be putting together an iron clad pre-nup or giving him a hard time about being in a cult. I am pretty sure he doesn’t even know where she lives.

So it’s a win-win.

Warm regards,

-Kate Casey

 Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter @KateCasey