Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will Announce Marriage Soon
Brad Pitt still really wants an Oscar and with February’s Academy Awards not far away at all, the 48-year-old actor has been meticulously planning his PR campaign to bag that elusive gold statue.
So what does that involve? – Pimping the family of six children that he and Angelina Jolie put together over the space of a few years and making Middle America believe that the Superstar couple are the best thing since, well, having a full-time team of five live-in nannies.
“My kids are growing up, and I really want to give them most of my time, so I’ve cut down on public appearances,” he says in a recent interview. “I love helping them with their homework and just sneaking out of busy schedules to see them,” says the actor.
By “helping them with their homework” Brad actually means “helping them do colouring in” and by “sneaking out of busy schedules” he’s discussing: “putting down my home-made tin-can hash pipe in my secluded den for a few moments and wandering through to the childrens’ wing of the Chateau to pop my head around the door and wave and remind the nannies to get them dressed for the next photo op but not to brush their hair so it doesn’t look contrived”.
That aside, in the interview, Brad then reaches for the last and final piece of weaponry that Brad and Angelina have in their PR arsenal- which is them getting married and releasing a statement via a publicist, plus selling pre-approved photos to the highest bidder (for charidee- of course).
“And while Angelina and I have no plans to marry yet, I know it’s going to happen soon, so you can expect an announcement shortly” Brad insists. ‘Guaranteed if I go away this weekend and step away from my computer and turn off my ‘phone it will be then.
A lot of publications are freaking out and worrying that Brange will have an over-the-top wedding whilst they’re kicking back in France and no-one will know.
But that’s not their style- they know that their star is fading fast and hope that marrying will show the world that he didn’t leave his wife to get tied-up, whipped and get regular head from a woman that most of Hollywood had slept with already. Although he was gullible enough in early 2004 to believe her ‘I’ve only slept with four men in my life’ schtick. (That’s lead to quite a few interesting conversations over the years Chez Brange).
AJ: ‘No, erm, can you not sign up to that film, please Brad, it would be uncomfortable doing the publicity’.
BP: ‘Oh Jesus, you slept with him too?’
So there’s marrying as a way of legitimising an affair and having a string of illegitimate children with his mistress (Brad hoped last year that calling his marriage to Jen Aniston ‘boring’ would be enough but it understandably caused outrage), then there’s also marrying as a way of weaving the six kids into that: ‘We’re such great committed parents and so we’re marrying because Shrek married Fiona and the kids want us to do that as well’.
But the question is, with Brangelina widely seen as a joke amongst their peers and the world seeing straight through the fairy-tale they present to them via PR friendly rose-coloured spectacles (or should that be rosé?), will a wedding be enough to make them relevant and interesting again and if not, what will they do next?
Split? Not yet…
Meanwhile, what will Jennifer Aniston’s reaction be when that ‘Brad and Angelina: Married- All the ‘I do’ details!’ email plops into her email inbox from People magazine?
Well, I think I know.
It will be something like this.
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