Record snowfall in tough, northern cities like Chicago and New York is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it makes for excellent at-work YouTube viewing: Clueless snowplows scraping past expensive cars, helpless automobiles sliding down large icy hills, unable to stop. Lots of collisions and mayhem. Who doesn't love this?
But when it threatens to snow in my pristine Los Angeles -- then things are getting stranger than Joan Rivers' face.
Weather forecasters say the City of Angels may see the white stuff (sorry, Charlie, not cocaine) for the first time since Ike was in the White House, the Dodgers were still playing baseball back in Brooklyn and annoying 3D movies were all the rage... the first go around.
I'm talking 19-friggin'-54.
That's like another century ago. That's like pre-iPhone 3.
Not sure if you know this, but there are three things we don't do in Los Angeles: Show up on time, use public transportation or handle snow.
And do you know what day this snow is scheduled? Oscar Sunday. That's like Super Bowl Sunday in Los Angeles, except with way more social impact.
Yes, we take our celebrities that serious. But they are very important because they show us how to cut our hair and neuter our pets, and they deserve to be bathed in adulation. Except we Los Angeles residents are so damn cool because we let them be while they eat lunch and don't get all weird around them like Teva-wearing yokels from Milwaukee.Yes, Cousin Cody, it's the guy who played Principal Belding in Saved by the Bell. Get over it. It's not like it's Screech.
Back to the pending snow. It's coming, say the meteorologists, who in Los Angeles are really a collection of fantastically gorgeous females who date our mayor and know how to pronounce the words "double doppler."
Entire generations of kids have grown up breathing the fine exhaust from our clogged freeways without ever seeing snowfall. Riots, O.J. and earthquakes, but never snow. Now we may be just 48 hours away from seeing the Hollywood sign covered in white powder, which Charlie Sheen will mount and try to snort. (If you think I'm done with Charlie Sheen jokes, you are sadly mistaken.)
Now, I'm not sure you've ever tried to drive around L.A. after a simple, light rainfall -- but I assure you it's like 1.2 million Domino's delivery guys trying to get across Manilla in the midst of a military coup, all worried about the 30-minutes-or-less promise. People lose their minds. Now add snow to the equation?
You do not want to be out there during this storm of the century, people. My fellow Angelenos are going to freak out, while places like Chicago and New York laugh at us on YouTube.
Just think of all the madness. Accidents, electrical outages, panic in the streets -- and Salma Hayek will be forced to wear a parka on the red carpet, covering up two of our city's greatest natural assets.
Damn you, snow.