Justin Bieber Denies Rumors About Rehab

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We've been lovingly documenting the adventures of Justin Bieber, and the quick and surprising descent of his 2013 into a full-on annus horribilis, because we think of ourselves not as dashing journalists with bags of talent and charisma (though we are that, too...) but as curators of the celebrity age, keeping the rich history of this attitudinally-impaired Canadian teenager in trust for the next generation. Like how those guys and gals in museums keep all the paintings and mummies nice. That is exactly the same as what we do.

Anyway, here we present to you a very important item in the Bieber vault: his Instagram MELTDOWN where he blasts the press, talks shit about Lohan and assures his disciples (commonly known as Beliebers) that he knows who he is:

"Everyone in my team has been telling me, 'keep the press happy' but I'm tired of all the countless lies in the press right now.

"Saying I'm going to rehab and how my family is disappointed in me. 

"My family is beyond proud, and...if Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity…

"19 and I've accomplished more than I could've ever dreamed of, i'm 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning. 

"I know my talent level and i know i got my head on straight. i know who i am and i know who i'm not...

"I honestly don't care if you don't believe in me because I believe in me, and look where that's gotten me so far.

"don't think I deserve all of this negative press I've worked my ass off to get where I am and my hard work doesn't stop here.

"i'm growing up finding myself while having people watch me and criticise me everyday i think im doing pretty damn good.

"And to those comparing me to Lindsey Lohan look at her 2012 tax statements ;)"

Though the message was deleted instantly ("Who let Justin go on the internet? You shall be soundly beaten for this oversight!") the wonderful thing about the internet is that nothing's ever gone forever. So we get to enjoy this rant despite his 'team' telling him off. What fun.

Our three favourite bits are:

"if Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity"

Who is this Anyone? Sounds like they might be a friend of Justin's. But friends shouldn't tell you to go to rehab. Or, wait, no, they should, shouldn't they? They should do interventions and that. 

"I know my talent level"

Justin, please tell us what your talent level is, and how such a thing is tabulated. Is it a case of a simple 1-10 scale, or is it more complicated than that? Is it measured out in comparison to other famous people? For example: Justin Bieber is 1 'N-Sync and 0.5 of a Backstreet Boy of talent? We need to know.

"Lindsey Lohan"

He didn't even bother to spell her name right. Burrrrrrrrrn.

We can't wait for next week's Bieber upset. We reckon he'll have a funeral for his hamster and get drunk and throw himself on the coffin like an overdramatic widow in a old timey film.