Mel Kiper Jr: Nobody in the world has more of a perfectly-parted widow’s peak than Mel Kiper Jr. On varying days, the world’s most famous mock-drafter has somewhat of a poof, resembling a male-version of The Jersey Shore’s Snooki. The comparisons with the little Italian ball of roundness doesn’t end there. Both have very strong chins. Snooki’s was able to take a punch from a male
bar patron, while Kiper’s compliments his huge jaw bone and tiny little mouth. Mel is well known for his Big Board on ESPN, which lists NCAA college football players in an incorrect order of where he thinks they’ll be drafted. OTR really wanted to put ESPN’s John Clayton in this spot, but we kept him off the list because he actually knows what he’s talking about.
PHOTO CAPTION: It’s really amazing what comes out of that tiny little mouth
Alexander Ovechkin: If only ugly athletes could look more like their bobbleheads, and this is definitely the case for Alexander Ovechkin. They make him appear like a bright, blue-eyed movie star with beautiful teeth. In all reality, if the witch doctor from Beetlejuice shrunk Richard Kiel’s head, then replaced his body with a ceramic replica of a hockey player, this would be the most accurate depiction for an Ovie bobblehead. Moreover, the poor kid can’t even grow a full beard. When he tries, there’s certain parts of his face that forget to grow hair. And playoff beards are very important in the NHL. Maybe this is why Ovechkin tends to exit early in the Stanley Cup Playoffs? Well, maybe not. Sydney Crosby was able to win the Stanley Cup and he can’t grow a beard. It sucks being second-best and ugly.
Jay Cutler: He’s the only quarterback in the NFL that wears two chin straps, so both of his are protected. Jay Cutler hasn’t combed his hair since appearing on the cover of Michigan Avenue in September 2009. The magazine displayed a dapper-looking fellow with dark eyeliner that clearly effected his vision during the season. He ended up throwing 26 interceptions in 2009. Since then, he realized he couldn’t wear anymore make-up, revealing his fat, unairbrushed face to the NFL world. He also has never smiled since the photo shoot. He is depressed. He loved that eyeliner.
PHOTO CAPTION: Is that Jay Cutler or Brandon from 90210?
Blake Griffin: Is he black? Is he white? Is he part Irish? What is he? He’s ugly, people. Just ugly. Whatever his background is, it seems to be the perfect mix. Griffin is quickly becoming one of the best players in the NBA and has one of the best highlight reels ever assembled during his short career. What’s confusing about his ugliness is that he’s not ugly, because he is so good. He is Blake Griffin. Blake Griffin is awesome, so his face is awesome. He’s the new Scottie Pippen. But what if Blake played more like his brother, Taylor? Then he would be just another ugly face in the NBA. Maybe I should have Taylor Griffin in this spot? Too bad he’s playing Belgium or I would. The moral of this story is – if you are ugly, try to be awesome at something. If you succeed, your ugliness might just go away.
Joakim Noah: Noah started his professional career under the name Justin Guarini, finishing runner-up on American Idol in 2002. Then his beautiful smile, tightly-curled locks, and big brown eyes turned into a mangy, weed-smoked mess. However, this transformation from a heart throb to a corn on the cob turned him into a winner. Noah won back-to-back NCAA championships while attending the University of Florida and now he is a part of a Chicago Bulls team that sits atop of the Eastern Conference. If Sweden was water, France was oil, and Cameroon was a nice glass bowl, Joakim Noah is what you would get when all is mixed together. Then he’d smoke the bowl.
PHOTO CAPTION: Noah has single-handedly launched the careers of Kelly Clarkson and Derrick Rose
Al Davis: Ever since Al Davis’ face was used as a face double in Braveheart for Ian Bannen who played the elder Robert the Bruce, leprosy has been accepted throughout the NFL. We all knew leprosy’s most common side effects like skin lesions and facial tissue loss, but Davis’ battle has also taught us leprosy’s most dangerous side effects; signing over-the-hill free agents for monster contracts, believing in over-weight quarterbacks who are addicted to purple drank, and drafting players that the league has never heard of. No matter how bad it gets in Oakland, football fans should continue to support the Raiders and Al Davis’ acting career as he continues to use his face as a face double in upcoming movies such as Wrath of the Zombies, Spring Break Zombie Cruise, and The Living Dead Chronicles.
Pau Gasol: Born in Barcelona, Spain, this 7-footer benefits from having 10% alpaca and 5% giraffe in his family blood. He grew up a vegetarian feasting on pasture grass and only the most concentrated, nutrition-packed acacia shrubs which are located at the very stops of the tree. His long legs and neck could not be matched by the other vegetarian kids, leaving the delicacy all to himself.
The two-time NBA champion of the Los Angeles Lakers also finds himself playing and traveling around the world for the Spanish National team. Animal Control closely monitors his Olympic travels to make sure his alpaca genes are not spread to countries where the mammal offspring could not survive. Unfortunately, Pau can’t attract any women other than ones who have a fetish for men who like to spit. And even then it’s rare he gets physical with them, because he is scared of contact.