NFL

18 Guarantees for the 2010-11 NFL Season

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1.  The Colts will win the AFC South

How do we know? It's the Colts. It's the AFC South. You do the math.

2. The Colts field a top 5 defense in 2010.

At least through 15 weeks. I'm not responsible for anything that happens in weeks 16 and 17. It's like my crystal ball has been all Painter-ed over.

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3.  Jack Del Rio will be fired in Jacksonville.

One of these days this one is bound to be right. This is the year...right? When they finally do fire him, I'm going to be lost. I really like being able to pencil in this prediction every year.

4. Vince Young just wins a lot of games this year.

By a lot, I mean 8. The rest he just loses.

5.  Tom Brady will throw fewer than 30 TD passes.

With one notable exception, he's never hit the 30 TD pass mark. Pats fans point to his 'two year injury' while simultaneously expecting Wes Welker to be fine this year. I ain't buying it. Brady is who he is, and who he is is a quarterback who doesn't throw 30 TD passes.

6.  Mark Sanchez lives up to the heritage of Joe Namath in 2010.

He has little problem throwing as many picks as touchdowns or equalling Namath's lofty 65.5 career passer rating.

 

7.  Ben Roethlisberger and Mike Vick form an unlikely friendship based on their mutual experiences.

Unfortunately it all goes horribly wrong at the Harrisburg Hooters Charity Dog Wash.

 

8. Derek Anderson proves to be a major upgrade for the Cardinals over Matt Leinart.

Instead of short incompletions and bad decision interceptions, Anderson provides deep incompletions and bad throw interceptions.

9.  The Colts top three defensive ends will combine for 30 sacks this season.

Freeney and Mathis have banner years, while Jerry Hughes picks up just enough garbage sacks to hit the total.

10. Sam Bradford shows up to his first game on time and properly adjusts his chin strap.

He is instantly declared to be the best quarterback in the NFC West.

11. Gary Kubiak adopts Matt Leinart and  renames him "Gary Kubiak Jr."

Disgusted, the Football Outsiders rename their fantasy projection system "SORGI".

12. Wade Phillips will celebrates the Super Bowl being played in Dallas.

Unfortunately, he is unclear about exactly what that means. After choosing to rest his starters all 16 weeks of the regular season, he will be fired by an exasperated Jerry Jones.

13. Bob Costas hosts the studio show for Football Night in America with spinach in his teeth.

The following day, a disappointed Tony Dungy expresses his dismay at the 'poor example of good oral hygene' set by Costas. He remarks on the Dan Patrick Show that Costas, "...is a role model for the young men of America who need to know the importance of floss."

 

14. The Giants lose the Manning Bowl.

As a result, Eli is forced to wear the "Cone of Shame" at family dinners for the next four years.

15. Peyton Manning takes a page out of his own book and waives his own offensive line off the field.

In a move reminiscent of his heroic waiving of the punt team off the field, Manning finally decides that he and Saturday can take the Broncos D line all by themselves. Saturday blocks two guys, Addai picks off a third, and Manning turns the left end to dust with lasers he mounted to his shoulder pads.

 

16. Four members of the Colts' defense make the Pro Bowl.

My bet is Freeney, Mathis, Session and Bob Sanders. Yeah, that's right. I'm betting Sanders stays healthy.

17. Joe Flacco plays at a playoff level all season.

Unfortunately for him, his career playoff rating is 46.5. His main problem will be that with so many third down veteran possession receivers to chose from, he spends the season unable to decide which slow old guy to throw to on 3rd down.

18.  The Colts will win the Super Bowl.

What? You were expecting me to say something different? Come on. You're smarter than that.