Working Moms Make Happy Moms
While juggling work and family isn't always easy, working moms are proud to provide for their families and derive significant personal benefits from achieving their career goals, dealing with intellectually stimulating issues, and spending time in an adult-centered and social environment at work. Just because a woman has a child does not mean that she loses her own interests, ambitions, and goals; by continuing to work working moms maintain their own identity and confidence, and gain a great sense of satisfaction from growing as women as well as moms.
You don't need a medical or science degree to know that when mom is happy the family and the kids are much happier. Moms who work and who continue to invest in themselves and their interests and careers are a lot less likely to experience any type of bitterness over what they might have given up in life because they had kids. And as strong, multi-faceted adults they are incredibly positive role models for their children, teaching them the value of hard work, pursuing your goals and interests, and developing many different parts of yourself as a person.
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I think it's a hasty generalization to say that working moms are proud and happy to be employed. What about the mothers who have to work in order to support their families? I'd imagine that that would put an immense amount of pressure on the mother and could cause her to lapse into depression.
I understand that some women have more flexible jobs than others but for those businesswomen who work everyday like my aunt, the work day is long and stressful. On top of that, these women have the pressure of making healthy dinners for their children and making sure that they succeed in school and extracurricular activities.
Additionally, not all women have careers or jobs that they are proud of. Some parents today are still from the generation who did not see going to college as a necessity, so not all mothers are college educated and have a job that they truly love.
When a woman makes the decision to become a mother and raise a family, those should be her main interests, ambitions, and goals. If a woman is not happy with “just being a mom” then perhaps she shouldn’t be a mother at all. Raising a child requires 100% of a mother’s time, effort, and devotion. A child does not deserve to be put aside for five days a week so his mother can do what she actually enjoys doing. Having a child is a miracle in and of itself; having the honor to bring another human being into the world and raising him to be a strong and capable person is rewarding enough that a mother should not have to leave the child in order to become happier.
It is also important that one does not associate happiness with money. Doing well at one’s job typically means receiving acknowledgment from others, especially in monetary terms. It is less often that a woman will be acknowledged for her exceptional child rearing skills and the devotion she shows towards her family. Women need to realize this, and acknowledge and praise themselves for providing a safe and loving environment for eighteen plus years of their children’s lives, and for preparing their children to have successful lives of their own. This is where a true mother will find happiness.
Although it is true that a happy mother makes a happy family, working could also have the opposite effect. No matter what type of career it is, stress is there and too much can a bad thing, especially when the mother comes home to a stress-filled home. While I do agree that working has its advantages, it can also cause problems that later on affect family life.
The fact that mothers decide the happiness of their families is totally true. If a mother is stuck in a job they highly dislike than that mother will certainly unhappy making her family the same way. This situation is horrible for a young child to be in. This is definitely is not always the case, many women love the profession they are in. To work or not to work is a tough question for struggling families and varies from family to family, mother to mother.
If a woman graudates from college with a degree she is passionate about, wouldn't she be happy when she works at a job that is in the area of that degree? Yes. I belive working mothers can be happy. Now on the other hand, mothers can really hate their job, which eventually will make her a sad mother.
I agree that working mothers can be happy in a career they chose. But there are differences between college and an actual job so someone who goes off to become a teacher may find out later that they despise working with kids from a certain age group.
I'm not sure when our lives told us we needed to give our children away for 8-10 hurs aday to be ourselves and to be happy. When I worked I made a ridiculous amount of money and LOVED my career. I had worked very hard to get the education and promotions to get where I was. When I had kids I hated every minute of it. Someone else was raising my kids...why did I have kids to hand them over to someone else for hours a day??? It didn't' make sense to me. I got off at 4pm, picked my baby up at 4:45, then was home at 5:30. Got our bags unpacked from daycare, tried to play and cuddle with a cranky hungry baby while I threw some food together, hubby got hoem around 5:30 and then baby got passed off to him until dinner was ready around 6:30, we eat, clean up and start bedtime routine so he is in bed by 8:00pm to get up at 6:30 am to do it all again...how is that raising your kids? Its not.
As a kindergarten room helper i can always tell the kids who stayed home with mom or dad or went to daycare. The ones who were in daycare are "mostly" selfish, bossy and rude. The ones who stayed home are "mostly" quiet, polite and very much more sensitive to "bolder" children, but by january they are all pretty much the same and I don't think anyone could tell the difference then.
as someone facing the same decision this second, i thank you for sharing yours. it is SUCH a hard decision; i can't believe how i waffle. i feel both sides of the argument poignantly, and don't know which voice is coming from my heart. it means much to hear from someone that has been on both sides of the coin.
i wish i could take out all of the opinions from those that didn't have a choice (because they are making a different decision really, and the path that is best for them is obvious), and only hear the ones that truly had to choose between a career that they LOVED that made excellent money so that only the very, very best childcare would be allowed....between that and, on the other side, sacrificing it all to still stay at home all hours with then just enough money to get by, (so no nanny's, cooks and housecleaners, people)...to be present in the raising of your children during their formative years. ..even if mom no longer has the immediately evident and short path to success and happiness of having all of the same things that made her happy before...EXtrensic motivations of the societal nod when you have the strength of your brilliant self and successful career, powered by buffered bank accounts and time for your original intellect and social pursuits and adventures.
ohhhh, i want all of that easy stuff so bad again, and i want so badly to be with my baby as my birthright and his to stay together as he discovers he is here. like everything else, you can't take the good and leave the bad... i think every mom has desires in both directions, don't they? maybe you don't desire to give up your work, but you would love to have a couple more hours a day with your wee one? or maybe you could never part with your baby(ies) 8 hours a day, but gawwwd, if you could just have a couple hours to yourself? ..or if once you had your child, your job was protected for you for two years, instead of three months...and in the meantime, your salary continued at 2/3rds... see what i'm saying? i think all of us mothers have more in common than not, but have had to fall on opposite sides of a very sharp cut...and then be happy with the outcome and point to its benefits, which are many.
it is a HUGE decision, and almost all of these women's voices exist in me right now. i truly want what is best for my child. period. ..but it is not easy to figure. it seems the information is so pulled over on both sides by so much passion. here or on the street, either the mother is faulting on the side of protecting her own decision or trying to be too careful in not offending the opposing, and knowing its audience, publications are accordingly made impotent. we all know the last audience you want to threaten are protective moms. ever been caught between a bear and her cub?
so, thanks sherri, for being in the trenches on both sides and sharing your insights. i would love to hear more on how you came to your decision... meaning, did you consult with anyone? online? life coach? incubater?? ..or did you just always know in your heart? ..anything would help. ...for that matter, not just from sherri, but anyone still listening and sympathetic.
thanks
“If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much.”
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis DID bungle her children. Ironically, as a stay at home mom.
Regardless - shouldn't women be spending more time building each other up, than on blogs like this tearing each other down? Iknowbetter, does this actually make you feelbetter to hurt other women who are honestly trying to do the best job they can? Regardless of what you think the definition of "best job" is? Back off ladies, let's just all put down the swords and be friends - I mean is it really worth it?
Does working moms produce a happy baby/child? In the majority of the situations i've witnessed through family/friends the child who was able to stay with mom had a significant amount of benefits as opposed to the child who was not able to do so.
I love how some working moms say that they are happier because they are contributing to society and enriching their careers. It's code for GUILT. And if they don't feel guilty, then somethings the matter!
I maintain my identity and confidence just fine by staying home. It isn't easy, either. But I SACRIFICE every day, for the good of my children. That actually makes me feel fulfilled. Why working moms are "out there" fulfilling themselves... I stay home and do the dirty work of raising my kids. Yes, lets just say it...it's sucks sometimes! But I am not BITTER! In fact, I feel blessed. Because I know there are some women who would KILL to stay home but they cannot for financial reasons. I know I am doing the right thing. Do you know why? Because of the fact that my children know that mom wants to raise them herself and not some daycare worker. The evidence is that all 3 of my kids thank me all the time for being there for them when they need me. Even my 3 year old. Yes, he does actually have a good vocabulary without going to daycare!
I am quite sickened by the fact that women who choose to stay home feel it necessary to judge women who work full time and then come home to their all-the-time jobs of being moms.
I did go back to work because of financial reasons, but does that mean that I have to listen to glorified taxi drivers tell me what a terrible mother because I am not raising my son the way you think I should??! Give me a BREAK! I am FUMING!
FYI to you SAHMs out there, I don't go around preaching that everyone should go to work, so quit preaching to moms to stay home!!!!
And another insight for you, my son actually sees his dad more now that I work. I work 4/10s 7am - 5:30 M-Th and my husband works 11am to 11pm M-th. Guess what that means?? My son is with his dad in the mornings spending quality time with him and in daycare from 11-5:30 (not even a full day) M-Th only. He's home with us Fri - Sun. My husband is less stressed out, which means our marriage is better creating a better environment for our son.
How many of your husbands are working 2-3 jobs so you can stay home? Do you not feel it's important for fathers to be in the picture? My guess is no.
I already have guilt about not being with my son full-time. And there will never be anyone who will love my son more than me, but does that mean that I should begrudgingly go to work and hate my job or feel guilty for liking my job??
I took the time to interview and investigate numerous daycares before choosing one,and believe it or not, there are many good quality daycares out there. You just probably couldn't afford them. If none of you has ever had your children in daycare, what makes you such experts on them? This is absolutely ridiculous!!!
and I feel for you. It sounds like you actually WANT to stay home. Usually, unless you make lots of money, it is cheaper for one spouse to stay home. If you are the main bread winner, can your hubby stay home?
You're angry outburst of calling SAHMs "glorified taxi drivers" made me giggle. If being a SAHM was easy then all women would take that job in the first place, lol. It's much easier to hand one's children over to someone else to raise, that's for sure. Now whether it's better for the children that's another story. It's hard work raising one's own child. Sometimes it is completely hard. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm thrilled and honored to be my kids mom and they deserve the best, not some underpaid day care schlep drilling my kids head with whatever propaganda that they see fit. I think because we all have to live in this society together that it's in everyone's best interest that happy, psychologically sound people are being raised. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Hopefully, that can change with people coming to terms with their moral responsibilities to their own children.
Studies have actually tracked that today's mom (working, career driven) spends 4 more hours per week with her children than in 1965 (think June Cleaver). So, maybe we spend 40 hours working, but we also are prioritizing the time spent at home to be more focused on the family than ever before.
I'm not sure who else it out there selling a "bill of good" about how great it is to be a working mom--I've actually seen the opposite. No one said that being a mom (working or not) is easy, but it's something many women choose to do. I chose to ADD children to my life, not replace my career with children. My career is an important part of who I am and walking away from it would be much harder than simply adjusting other priorities to make time for my family. Sure it's hard work, but to go as far as to say it puts children at a disadvantage is ridiculous.
I don't believe that the research supports your assertion that today's working mother spends more time with her children. Can you provide evidence? I also believe that many recent studies clearly demonstrate that babies and young children do not get the closeness and bonding that they need to different day care workers looking after them each day. Some childcare centres are attempting to address this by assigning a primary and secondary carer to promote continuity.
Unfortunately I believe that many parents run out of time - meeting work commitments, housekeeping, shopping and maintenance chores etc mean that many working parents may spend their non-working time in the presence of their children but not really "with" their children, simply because there are so many demands on them. In the end, many children will do what they must(positive or negative) either at a young age, or as they get older, to get mum and dad's attention.
In May, the Washington Post reported on a University of Maryland study that I referenced in my earlier post that working moms today spend more time with their kids than 40 years ago. here is an excerpt from the story.
In 1965, mothers spent 10.2 hours a week tending primarily to their children -- feeding them, reading with them or playing games, for example -- according to the study's analysis of detailed time diaries kept by thousands of Americans. That number dipped in the 1970s and 1980s, rose in the 1990s and now is higher than ever, at nearly 14.1 hours a week.
You can read the full article at: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/19/AR2007031901972.html
I'm not saying that ALL daycares are the right environment by any means. In fact, I drive by several centers much nearer our home every day in order to take my son to a daycare that offers college-educated teachers, healthy meals and a loving, nurturing and educational environment.
To address the time comments you've made, sure there are time pressures on working families, I think the same can be said about stay at home parents as well. My original post also talked about prioritizing other things. For instance, I don't do housework from 6-8 except for cooking dinner because that is our family time--one of us is usually physically on the floor playing with our toddler from the time we get home until bedtime. I don't think that staying at home all day necessarily means you've spent 8 hours nurturing your child. I would say that a child in a good daycare may get as much dedicated attention put toward his/her development than a child that stays at home.
Thanks for that link. A very interesting article and reassuring. Perhaps it explains why no matter how many hours I spend with my daughter (7), she still continues to request more - what she seeks is engagement not time. Personally, even if home all day with my child, I would never engage with her all day.
I suppose I'm more concerned about very young children - babies and toddlers. I think if I left my young child at childcare for long periods of time every day, she and I would have been very unhappy with that arrangement. Most children I know prefer greatly to be with a parent, more often than not the mother. I would have preferred my daughter to have been more clingy to my husband, but she just wasn't. I think the guilt, too, of putting her for long hours in daycare would have been damaging long term. Perhaps that a reflection that I was in a position to make a choice rather than under the huge financial pressures some are under.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Children want their parents to be engaged and being employed or not employed is completely unrelated to how children connect with their parents.
As for the guilt, don't all parents bear the guilt of doing enough for their children? I've yet to meet a mom who thinks she's getting it right, whether she's working outside the home, working from home or "staying at home" (which by the way, is not all bon-bons and fairy tales).
What do you call prioritizing? I think working moms have made it clear what their priorities are.
I think society in general has had this expectation that women should work outside the home to make a "real" contribution, like staying home or working from home and raising one's own children is of no value to society. That is what I mean by women being sold a "bill of goods." I even have seen working women looking down at non-working women. I wouldn't trade my job as full-time mom for any career. There could not be a career more important than my kids.
No one loves your child as much as you or your family. No one can take better care of them or raise them to be the human beings that you want them to be other than you or your family. Period. If a working mom can include the children in her work and not have to resort to daycare, I think the kids are a lot better off. The children should be more important than any career and the main focus. Anything less is neglectful. It is for such a short time that children need us. I don't think it is a lot to ask that parents spend the majority of their time and energy with their kids that they CHOSE to have. I don't see ADDING children to one's life as a burden, but a gift and one that deserves our full attention. Our society is full of unhappy, maladjusted, and angry people because parents have failed to "raise" their own children and have ignored their children's basic attachment needs.
Daycare is a poor substitute for family. Even the best daycare cannot meet a child's needs like family can. I think these kids are missing out.
When we lived near family, family cared for my son. We moved and don't have family who can care for my kids. If you choose the right day care it is by no means a poor substitute. I think kids that are only cared for by family are missing out on the socialization day care provides. When my son was in the hospital for his asthma, he missed 4 days of day care, someone from the day care called everyday to see how he was doing. My parents only called once.
I only look down on the SAHM's who feel then need to be superior and tell me I'm a bad mother and that I'm neglecting my children by putting them in day care. I would bet most working mom's feel the same way.
If you mean exposing your kids to other kids bullying and behavior problems earlier than they'd get at school then yes. Also, if you mean learning group compliance than yes. If you look at my above post, you can see that I believe that a child's total compliance is not desirable.
If you mean socialized in a positive way then kids are much better socialized by their parents and loving family. A day care cannot be on top of everything that happens in the interactions between children like a parent can be. How could they be? They have so many children to watch and usually hardly make any money.
I think a lot of working women are ignorant of the ramifications of day care and working full time. The effects of these last a lifetime for the child. I think others are just too selfish to have at least one parent stay home with the child and actually do the work of "raising" the child that they chose to have. The dad can stay home too. That's better than day care for most children (except those in a very low economic status). I think many of our society's mental ills have to do with poor attachment during childhood and lack of social boundaries. Those cannot be "taught" in a day care. So yes, I think to have children and to do it "right" one must sacrifice certain things for the good of their children. This does not last but a number of years, but that is hard to get through to an instant gratification type of society.
i just have to interject with my applause for your patience in taking this argument on. i don't know anyone that dare defend it anymore in the face of such wrath, and it is a position well worth its defense!
These are very interesting arguments. However, I have been witness to how children in my neighborhood who attend daycare are further advanced than the majority of those who stay home with their mother(s)/father(s). I used to teach in the toddler class at my church and noticed that my son, who attends daycare, fought less with the other kids, knew his colors, could count to 8, and spoke more clearly than his two-year-old peers. This statement is not out of pride or to prove anything, it simply is what it is. He is more advanced.
The one thing that comes to mind is that compliance is a necessity in any setting that has a big group of kids, so your child has been exposed to learning the "game" (i.e. doing what one is told and receiving group consequences when non-compliance happens) earlier than those kids that are home, (although my kids knew their colors and counting to 10, and their abc's by age 2, so I would say it would depend on what the parents exposed their kids to). I believe that learning total compliance is a negative thing for children. I believe it leaves a child vulnerable to an adult's whims. But that is for another debate;-)
Studies have shown that children who learn to read early (or other things early) are no better off than other children at later ages. A lot of times, they are not reading for comprehension, they are just parroting. So just because a child learns a set of skills earlier than peers do, it does not necessarily equal better or mean that they are better adjusted ( 2 totally different things, btw).
Also, how do we know that your child wouldn't do much better, if home with a parent or family, instead of in day care?
My son and my nephew were born 3 days apart. My son was 9 weeks early and my nephew was full-term. My nephew didn't go to day care the first year, he was cared for by my mom. My son was in day care from the time he was 8 and a half weeks old (only 3 months cared for by family). My son speaks clearly and is very outgoing while my nephew is hard to understand and very shy. My son likes to play with other kids whereas my nephew likes to play alone.
And since you posed the question, Iknowbetter...how do we know YOUR kids wouldn't do much better in a day care setting?
Children are all different and develop at their own pace. I understand that your son was a preemie. How old are the kids now? That first year that your nephew was in your mom's care may have been better for him when compared to your son's experience at THAT time. Maybe the day care that he was in after was not as loving or supportive. There are lots of reasons to consider why they are different. Temperment and personality also has a lot to do with it.
And the reason that I know that my kids are better off with me is that I see them everyday and care more about them than anyone else ever could. It's really a no brainer.
The boys are 2 and a half now. I didn't just drop my son off at any day care. I took my time, visited the centers, asked questions, etc. Found one I loved and that my son loved too.
I see my kids every day and care more about them then anyone could, but my son loved the day care he was at, we were sad to leave them.
So, do you send you kids to school (or will you) or do you plan on homeschooling them? I see no difference between day care/pre-school and grade school.
This sounds like another "bill of goods" sold to women about how great it is to be a working mother. It sounds completely awful to work all day and then come home to more work and tired, fussy children. The working mom usually gets the children at their worst part of the day when they are tired, hungry and exhausted. Oh gee, where do I sign up?
Children learn most by emulating the behaviors around them. By having good behavior yourself, using manners and expecting the same from your children they do the same in return. When choosing a daycare, I was careful to choose one that encouraged and taught my son the same things I would teach him if I were to stay home. He is incredibly well behaved, polite, affectionate and smart. I was also a child of daycare AND divorce and yet managed to still have manners, behave in school, and be happily married.
I am a working mother and I love it. I love my job and it DOES make me happy. And even better, when I get home I am greeted with hugs and kisses from both my husband and my son. I get to hear about their various daily activities and share my own. We talk and laugh and dance and it is actually pretty fantastic.
To be honest, I don’t think it would be good for my son to deprive him of his friends in daycare, the teachers he adores, and access to the activities that stimulate his very active imagination and structure that helps him learn routines. He is very shy in new situations and yet he is able to be comfortable and interact with the kids in his class and the teachers.
Being a working mother is the very best thing for my family. I agree it isn't for everyone, but just because it isn't the right thing for you does not mean it isn't right for me or my family.