More Reasons To Avoid Punishment
I want to emphasize two points that most parents miss when thinking about disciplining children.
1) Conventional wisdom (which is often wrong) states that discipline and punishment are synonymous. Not always. For example, when you use the term self-discipline are you referring to self-punishment? Or do you think self-discipline refers to thoughtful actions to obtain thoughtful goals? Doesn’t it make sense to use discipline that teaches your children how to engage in thoughtful actions to obtain thoughtful goals?
2) A referenced above, most adults to not take into consideration that children are always making decisions about who they are (good, bad, capable, not capable, worthy, not worthy—and a gazillion other decisions that form the foundation of their future personalities). I remember feeling upset when I first heard that a child’s personality is formed by the time he or she is five-years-old. Now I understand why that is true. Children are also making decisions about others. Are they supportive or non-supportive, friendly or unfriendly, unconditionally loving or conditionally loving—and a gazillion other decisions in this category that lead to other decisions about what they should do to “survive” in this world (which often looks like misbehavior), or to thrive and develop all the characteristics and life skills most parents want for their children.
When adults don’t understand that children are always making decisions that affect the development of their personality and their actions, parents too often opt for the quick fix to deal with misbehavior—punishment. When parents understand the developmental fact of constant decision making, they use non-punitive discipline. Please watch the video below where I explain the Five Criteria for Positive Discipline. You might want to read the article titled, “I Was Punished and I Turned Out Just Fine,” located at http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/I%20Was%20Punished.html.
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I host a website, www.nopaddle.com , and a related Yahoo group, also called "nopaddle." It is about school paddling, or " spanking " with a board in school, as physical abuse, sexual abuse and sexual harassment.
As we begin 2009 school paddling is practiced in public schools in 21 US states, and in private schools in many others. The heaviest hitters are Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama.
These issues are also inherent in "home spanking." If you doubt a child's buttocks is a sexual area, at what age do you allow him or her to show it in public? Even when children are too young to understand sexuality, they sense it in many ways which spanking violates.
The New Testament, contrary to myth, does not contain one example or teaching instructing anyone to hit anyone, including a parent to a child.
This is a pretty smart site with smart people it seems, and I doubt these points need to be dwelled on here.
My parents scandalized all the other American officers and their wives because they let their toddlers - me and my brother - run around naked outside with the other Japanese children on Okinawa. This was in the late fifties and while I may not run to the Japanese for advice on military matters first, they obviously had a better handle on what's appropriate for children. Under the age of about six, you're wiser to treat children as non-sexual (I know, some people can't, you're the ones who missed the words "wiser" in this sentence).
I've never had to discipline a child psychologist, so maybe spanking wouldn't be most appropriate for them in any situations. But your average six-year-old is quite able to distinguish a spanking he deserves from a beating he doesn't deserve. The reason I am leaving my mark as 'uncommitted' is because mostly six-year olds won't be reading this blog, and a lot of the adults around here can't read 'physical' without seeing the words 'always' and 'abuse' attached to it.
Those of you who think a child can't understand a spanking seem to put a lot of stock in his ability to understand a well-reasoned explanation of the rights and wrongs of the situation instead. You may understand explanations, but you don't understand children.
I agree with Jane's parenting philosophy wholeheartedly.